I logged on to my YouVersion Bible app this morning to find today is the hundredth day I’ve connected with God. This may seem like a small silly accomplishment to some, but today marks 100 days since I decided to put myself first. 100 days since I decided to completely stop pretending for other people. I am not ok everyday, and that’s ok.
I’ve been almost completely cognitive for 100 days straight lol. The first 3 months after my decompression surgery was rough. I struggled every day to try to live my life like I did before surgery. I struggled to pretend for friends and family. I exhausted myself, was angry with myself. Today marks a hundred days since I’ve blamed myself for this, because Chiari malformation is not my fault!! Over the past 100 days I’ve stopped spending so much time wondering why almost everyone left me when I needed them the most, and I’ve begun focusing on the people who stayed and reminding myself everyday that I am stronger than even I know! This was NOT my fault. I was born this way, and I don’t have to apologize for that. I also don’t have to make excuses for anyone else; what a freeing revelation! I’m only responsible for myself and my own well-being.
This journey with Chiari malformation (or any chronic illness for that matter,) is lonely. That’s the part no one really talks about. And the vast majority of us don’t want anyone feeling sorry for us! We would just like a little consideration and a little compassion.
You see this journey is lonely, and it’s rough, but if you decide to focus on the right things, the little victories and the small growth. The day you decide to focus on finding the strength in the weakness, is the day you will begin to find your true self. You will begin to find freedom.
The healing power of pets is real. While dogs are great in their own right, do not limit your choice of therapy animal to just a dog. You may find you’ve a better connection with a cat, or even a bird. I found an unlikely therapy animal in my Russian tortoise, Miss Turtle. She’s great! We’ve figured out how to communicate with one another, and I just love watching her excitement when she’s asked if she would like to go outside.
I’m fortunate enough to have found comfort in two of my pets, and as fate would have it, my two good buddies enjoy each others company as well.
The healing power of pets is real. Their love is unconditional and pure. Suffering from a chronic illness, disease, or mental illness can take a toll on the quality of ones life…the simple act of adoption can change the course of your life for the better. Make yourself move outside what ails you as much as possible! Live the life you were created to live. Remove toxic people and things. Add in healthy habits and thinking processes, and sprinkle in the love of a rescue animal, you’ll be well on your way to the happy existence you were meant to enjoy!
It has been 6 months since my surgery. Sadly, I report… I do not feel better. To be honest, I feel worse. I feel worse than I did a year ago, before I even knew what Chiari malformation was… the nerve pain in my limbs is returning full force as is the burning under my shoulder blades and on top of that here is the new nerve pain throughout my head. I’ve got some form of a headache/migraine everyday. PT seems to only be making things worse. We are trying to remain positive but, I fear a trip back to the neuro is imminent.. I do not plan to have a decompression surgery again unless it is absolutely medically necessary. It is hard to admit, but I am more than a little angry about this whole situation. I know, God’s will and plans, not mine, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder why…why does my son have to watch this happen to his mom? I’m supposed to be strong, my family shouldn’t have to watch me struggle!!! Why can’t I just beat this? And Bless it all, why doesn’t positive thinking just fix this?!*sarcasm*
So why can’t I write? Why am I blocked and filled up with fright? Why am I worried of judging from people I don’t know?
Oh my dear Lord when will I let this go?
Chiari malformation what a bitch you are!!! You see, before you swooped in, I had gotten so far! I had goals for my future and accomplishments were made. I was working full time, money being saved. Studying. Studying finally. That was a big thing you see..
And finally, crippling fear was finally not ruling me.
Years spent building confidence you see, my childhood wasn’t kind to me and then the diagnosis and the surgery and anxiety swoops in and consumes me…
I feel at war daily, and this voice keeps saying to me ” it’s to late, you can’t do it, there’s no point”
I must break free
I must break free
I know I was created with greatness in me.
I must break free!
And why does everything I write sound like poetry? I can’t seem to get the rhyming out of me 😀😅
I was thinking as I was rollingthroughthecarline at my son’s school this morning, watching all the teachersstandingattheircarlinestations retrieving our children from ourcars so that they can teach them and take care of them all day for us and I started thinking,wowthesearetherealrockstars!
There’s a saying that goes something like this, “If you can read this, thank a teacher”
Thank you teachers out there for all the wonderful things you do!!
You are the real stars, the everyday hero’s of our society, and you definitely do not get the credit you deserve!
We always take a picture in front of our Christmas tree. I’m sure most families do. Setting the timer on the phone, and quickly getting to your places.
This year our furry family members kindly reminded us that we were forgetting to include them! How dare us, really! Enter stage right, our silly dog Spencer, and of course Mr. Kitty was right behind him!
That curl up and die feeling is not foreign to me, nor am I able to successfully evade it every day. As it should be plain to see, that is not a comfortable place to be. Just curl up and die the demons will cry. Not I I reply, not I!
The scale of my pain, is to hard to explain, and harder still to understand. The body I live in was not a choice I was given. Who would choose to fight a battle daily?! Who in their right mind?! The choice was not mine! Yet here I sit, stuck with this shit!