So why can’t I write? Why am I blocked and filled up with fright? Why am I worried of judging from people I don’t know?
Oh my dear Lord when will I let this go?
Chiari malformation what a bitch you are!!! You see, before you swooped in, I had gotten so far! I had goals for my future and accomplishments were made. I was working full time, money being saved. Studying. Studying finally. That was a big thing you see..
And finally, crippling fear was finally not ruling me.
Years spent building confidence you see, my childhood wasn’t kind to me and then the diagnosis and the surgery and anxiety swoops in and consumes me…
I feel at war daily, and this voice keeps saying to me ” it’s to late, you can’t do it, there’s no point”
I must break free
I must break free
I know I was created with greatness in me.
I must break free!
And why does everything I write sound like poetry? I can’t seem to get the rhyming out of me 😀😅
That curl up and die feeling is not foreign to me, nor am I able to successfully evade it every day. As it should be plain to see, that is not a comfortable place to be. Just curl up and die the demons will cry. Not I I reply, not I!
The scale of my pain, is to hard to explain, and harder still to understand. The body I live in was not a choice I was given. Who would choose to fight a battle daily?! Who in their right mind?! The choice was not mine! Yet here I sit, stuck with this shit!
The Golden Rule. Treat people like you want them to treat you. The Golden Rule. With a bit of effort it’s not that hard to do. The Golden Rule. When you make a mistake, how would you like someone to treat you? When you are feeling ill, what would you want your loved one to do? The Golden Rule.
Follow the Golden Rule.
Don’t treat others in a way you wouldn’t want them treating you.
When I started this blog my aim was to try to stay focused, but, my mind pulls in so many different directions! I think I’ve decided that that’s exactly what this blog will be. It will simply, be. I will allow my mind to pull me in whatever direction it wants to go in, and write about whatever passionately takes hold in my mind, in that moment!
No more analyzing. No more. I‘vewastedsomuchtimeinmylife over analyzing, overthinking. Somuchhashappened so recently, so much change, insuchashort.
The original intent has been completely lost and this has become my place,this blog is for me, and if somehow it helps someone, anyone else, icing on the cake!
I’ve been contemplating life for the past couple of years. I feel like I’ve grown a great awareness and a very deep connection with my God. He talks to me and he guides me and my intuition has never been stronger!
I’ve learned that I have to getoutofmyown way if I ever want to accomplish anything! I have never felt more free, more content, more fulfilled in my life, and I’m weeks away from brain surgery.. it is crazy the way things seem to just fall into place, the obviousness of divine intervention, the peace that I feel most days, even whilst in the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced, has cemented that old adage that everythinginlifehappensforareason. Every heart ache, mistake, missed oppurtunity, all bring me to right here, right now, who I am in this moment.
After nearly a life time of feeling like not enough and too much at the same time, I can honestly, joyfully say,
“This is me. And I am in love with her!”
I have learned to say no to people, people that I love and care about, andforapeoplepleaserwhichIhavebeenmywholelife, that is extremely hard to do! I stand up for myself now, the way I always stood up for others. I have learned to love people where they’re at, but, I now know that, that does not mean I have to allow them to treat me badly.
I don’t waste my energy on the petty things that I used to think were so important.
I choose to get up each day and believe that there willbe good in that day, no matter how I feel and no matter what is happening.
I have allowed God to work in me and make me the person He created me to be!
Getting out of my own way has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself! And it has prepared me for what is coming soon. Every trial, every ache every pain, every hardship, has made me who I am and has gotten me ready for what is to come.
I know there are quite a lot of pictures in this post but you see, I’m very visual. I love the brightness in the color of life and if I can bring a smile to at least one of your faces, then my job is done for the day.
I want to share what Joy I have and give people hope, that no matter what you are going through, you don’t have to be miserable, you don’t have to be ashamed, you don’t have to feel guilty. There is always someone who cares, even if you don’t know them, even when you feel like there is no one. Icare, even when I don’t know you, or don’t like you, or really don’t want to *laughs* it is exhausting, but, I always care. I was made that way, and each day I will embrace it more and more.
In all the pain I am in today, I feel like I have finally fully decided to be completely and totally, unashamedly, undeniably, me.
Be the most authentic version of yourself! Life is to short for anything less!
I knew it was only a matter of time. I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind, but today it has caught up with me. I don’t feel very well you see.. my head it hurts, my face feels full, my stomach it churns.
I just want to be whole
I guess I had too many “good days” in a row…
The weather looms dark overhead. I wish I could have stayed in bed, butI can’t lay back on this blasted head! Alas, it is too full. The pressure is too great.. maybe I should meditate.
I feel ill today and it won’t go away, it weighs heavy on my soul
The pain looms as Thunder booms with dark skies overhead oh how I wish I could find comfort in my bed..in my body..in my head.