My Mid-Morning Breakthrough

When I started this blog  my aim was to try to stay focused,  but, my mind pulls in so many different directions! I think I’ve decided that that’s exactly what this blog will be. It will simply, be. I will allow my mind to pull me in whatever direction it wants to go in, and write about whatever passionately takes hold in my mind, in that moment! 

No more analyzing. No more. Ive wasted so much time in my life over analyzing, overthinking. So much has happened so recently, so much change, in such a short

The original intent has been completely lost and this has become my place, this blog is for me, and if somehow it helps someone, anyone else, icing on the cake! 

I’ve been contemplating life for the past couple of years. I feel like I’ve grown a great awareness and a very deep connection with my God. He talks to me and he guides me and my intuition has never been stronger! 

I’ve learned that I have to get out of my own way if I ever want to accomplish anything! I have never felt more free, more content, more fulfilled in my life, and I’m weeks away from brain surgery.. it is crazy the way things seem to just fall into place, the obviousness of divine intervention, the peace that I feel most days, even whilst in the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced, has cemented that old adage that everything in life happens for a reason. Every heart ache, mistake, missed oppurtunity, all bring me to right here, right now, who I am in this moment.

After nearly a life time of feeling like not enough and too much at the same time, I can honestly, joyfully say, 

“This is me. And I am in love with her!”

I have learned to say no to people, people that I love and care about, and for a people pleaser which I have been my whole life, that is extremely hard to do! I stand up for myself now, the way I always stood up for others. I have learned to love people where they’re at, but, I now know that, that does not mean I have to allow them to treat me badly. 

I don’t waste my energy on the petty things that I used to think were so important. 

I am uniquely and wonderfully made, and so are you!

I choose to get up each day and believe that there will be good in that day, no matter how I feel and no matter what is happening. 

 I have allowed God to work in me and make me the person He created me to be! 

Getting out of my own way has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself! And it has prepared me for what is coming soon. Every trial, every ache  every pain, every hardship, has made me who I am and has gotten me ready for what is to come. 

I know there are quite a lot of pictures in this post but you see, I’m very visual. I love the brightness in the color of life and if I can bring a smile to at least one of your faces, then my job is done for the day. 

I want to share what Joy I have and give people hope, that no matter what you are going through, you don’t have to be miserable, you don’t have to be ashamed, you don’t have to feel guilty. There is always someone who cares, even if you don’t know them, even when you feel like there is no one. I care, even when I don’t know you, or don’t like you, or really don’t want to *laughs* it is exhausting, but, I always care. I was made that way, and each day I will embrace it more and more.

In all the pain I am in today, I feel like I have finally fully decided to be completely and totally, unashamedly, undeniably, me.

Be the most authentic version of yourself! Life is to short for anything less!

Climb

Effervescent shining light

Darkest days

Brightest nights

Loveliness unfolding in broad daylight

Scarcely huddled under sight

The pinks and blues the whites of sky

Perceived differently somehow

Through pain filled eyes

Glory hidden slightly when life was good

So many things misunderstood

Touch of the divine

The closer I climb 

This narrow path I’ve chose

The pressure filled

Deep pain instilled

Not what one would have chosen

Glorious climb towards the Divine

Endless opening of the mind

Climb

Climb

Climb

Growing Pains

When I was a child I would spend every weekend with my grandmother. It was my favorite part of the week. She would take me to Publix and buy me carrot cake and let us pick what was for dinner my sister and I and just all-around dote on us for a whole two days. I remember sometimes at night I would have terrible pain in my legs, and she would rub them, and try to make me feel better. She told me they were just growing pains, and I remember wondering why growing hurt so bad. I don’t fault her for not knowing the pain I  was having was actually a sign of the condition I am now diagnosed with, Chiari malformation. My skull is not big enough for my brain. I look back over my life and I see the signs so clearly. The pattern is so plainly insight now, with each new level of pain I would be in agony and then I would get used to that level and it became just another part of my life. Until the next new level of pain would come. I would wonder what the hell is wrong with me. And then I would get used to the pain again. I’ve done this for 33 years, until a few months ago when I simply couldn’t get out of bed.. when you think about it almost every type of growth hurts at first. Growth pushes us out of our comfort zone. It gets us ready for the next level. It makes us wiser, and lets us be the most authentic version of ourselves. 

Pretending

I wish I was pretending about the pain that I am in. I wish I didn’t feel as tho I’m trapped in my own skin. I wish I really was being ridiculous in jest. But I promise you this pain I’m in is really quite the pest. It tries to steal my joy and fill me up with doubts. I drain a lot of energy keeping the pain from seeping out. I can not run away from this. I live it every day…I’m going to have brain surgery. There is just no other way. Chiari malformation. 1-1,000 are the odds..this makes me strangely special, but please, hold your applause.

Crawls Beneath my Skin

This mask I wear…it’s falling off. Reality setting in. The fear…the anxiety…it crawls beneath my skin. 

I slap this smile on to convince ME I’m okay… I’ve got friends “by my side” but it sure doesn’t feel that way… Their fault? Or mine? Should I keep saying I’m fine?… To many decisions to make..

Holding it all under this mask for fear that I will break.

I’m surprised with me, my anxiety, would usually be in out of control..

Strangely I feel a sort of peace in my soul..

I wear this mask to hide my fear..but who am I hiding it from?

I like to tell myself I’m hiding it from my husband, mother, daughter, son..

I’m finding revelation and its hard for me to see…because quite possibly the person I’m wearing this mask for…is really me..

Against the Wall Devo by Our Daily Bread 💙☝

Against The Wall 

On April 25, 1915, soldiers of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps landed on the Gallipoli peninsula expecting a quick victory. But fierce resistance by the Turkish defenders resulted in an 8-month stalemate during which thousands on both sides were wounded or killed.

Many of the ANZAC troops who were evacuated to Egypt visited the YMCA camp outside Cairo where chaplain Oswald Chambers offered hospitality and hope to these men so broken and disillusioned by war. With great insight and compassion, Chambers told them, “No man is the same after an agony; he is either better or worse, and the agony of a man’s experience is nearly always the first thing that opens his mind to understand the need of redemption worked out by Jesus Christ. At the back of the wall of the world stands God with His arms outstretched, and every man driven there is driven into the arms of God. The cross of Jesus is the supreme evidence of the love of God.”

Paul asked: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” (ROMANS 8:35). His confident answer was that nothing can remove us from God’s love in Christ (8:38-39). When we’re up against the wall, God is there with open arms. —David McCasland

God’s love still stands when all else has fallen.

Devotion by Our Daily Bread

Witness From A Wheelchair 

A woman named Nancy put this ad in her local newspaper: “If you are lonely or have a problem, call me. I am in a wheelchair and seldom get out. We can share our problems with each other. Just call. I’d love to talk.” The response to that ad was surprising—30 calls or more every week.

What motivated this woman to reach out from her wheelchair to help others in need? Nancy explained that before her paralysis she had been perfectly healthy but in deep despair. She had tried to commit suicide by jumping from her apartment window, but her fall left her paralyzed from the waist down.
In the hospital, utterly frustrated, she sensed that Jesus said, “Nancy, you’ve had a healthy body but a crippled soul. From now on you will have a crippled body but a healthy soul.” As a result of that experience, she surrendered her life to Christ. When she was finally allowed to go home, she prayed for a way to share God’s grace with others, and the idea of the newspaper ad occurred to her.
Every believer can do something to help others. Limited as we may be by sickness, old age, or disability, we can still pray, call, or write. No matter what our condition, we can be effective witnesses for Jesus. —Vernon Grounds

Little things become great things when they are done to please God.

Everyday

Headache Everyday

Difficult to sleep
There’s to much pain

The back of my head

It screams in agony

My mind cries:

“Why is this happening to me?”

1 in a 1,000

Those are my odds

Any chance of ending this pain

Comes at a surgical cost

Im not lost..

As crazy as that sounds

Since all of this began

Really, I’m more found!

You couldnt pick me out of a crowd..

I look just like you do

At least most days I do

Normal” as they say, yet

Inside my body

Things are not ok

But the time has come

To pop on my smile

I’ve already been sentenced

No jury

No trial

Another day has been gifted to me

I will smile thru this pain

No misery!

Chiari was in the cards for me

Make the best of your hand

The cards you were dealt

The hand is for you to play

No one else..