Feeling Ill Today

I knew it was only a matter of time. I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind, but today it has caught up with me. I don’t feel very well you see.. my head it hurts, my face feels full, my stomach it churns.

 I just want to be whole

I guess I had too many “good days” in a row…

The weather looms dark overhead. I wish I could have stayed in bed, butI can’t lay back on this blasted head! Alas, it is too full. The pressure is too great.. maybe I should meditate.

 I feel ill today and it won’t go away, it weighs heavy on my soul

The pain looms as Thunder booms with dark skies overhead oh how I wish I could find comfort in my bed..in my body..in my head.

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Climb

Effervescent shining light

Darkest days

Brightest nights

Loveliness unfolding in broad daylight

Scarcely huddled under sight

The pinks and blues the whites of sky

Perceived differently somehow

Through pain filled eyes

Glory hidden slightly when life was good

So many things misunderstood

Touch of the divine

The closer I climb 

This narrow path I’ve chose

The pressure filled

Deep pain instilled

Not what one would have chosen

Glorious climb towards the Divine

Endless opening of the mind

Climb

Climb

Climb

Growing Pains

When I was a child I would spend every weekend with my grandmother. It was my favorite part of the week. She would take me to Publix and buy me carrot cake and let us pick what was for dinner my sister and I and just all-around dote on us for a whole two days. I remember sometimes at night I would have terrible pain in my legs, and she would rub them, and try to make me feel better. She told me they were just growing pains, and I remember wondering why growing hurt so bad. I don’t fault her for not knowing the pain I  was having was actually a sign of the condition I am now diagnosed with, Chiari malformation. My skull is not big enough for my brain. I look back over my life and I see the signs so clearly. The pattern is so plainly insight now, with each new level of pain I would be in agony and then I would get used to that level and it became just another part of my life. Until the next new level of pain would come. I would wonder what the hell is wrong with me. And then I would get used to the pain again. I’ve done this for 33 years, until a few months ago when I simply couldn’t get out of bed.. when you think about it almost every type of growth hurts at first. Growth pushes us out of our comfort zone. It gets us ready for the next level. It makes us wiser, and lets us be the most authentic version of ourselves. 

Burdens to Share

The pain of life can be unimaginable, but the magnitude of His love for us is immeasurable. And the love so freely given to us, with such sacrifice, should be shared with others. Our world is hurting. Share the burden of this life, comfort, care, LOVE!

A simple act of kindness, even the smallest of things, a smile for instance shared with a stranger in passing, has the power to change that persons whole day! 

The way we treat people has a domino affect on the rest of the world! Choose love. Kindness. Humility. We are, none of us, better than the other. In His imagine, for His glory and purpose! Amen!

Shine your light today! This world needs it.

Willing and Able? Having Healthy Conflicts in Love

So you’re upset with your significant other, how do you handle it? What is your go-to? Are you closed mouthed and moody? Do you stomp around the house agitated until someone asks you what is wrong? Or are you straight forward, tackling the problem looking for a solution? Are you willing and able?

Do you love the person you are with enough to put yourself out there to find out what is really bothering them? Would you allow yourself to be hurt to learn that you may be the legitimate cause of the problem? I am finding, the older I get, when my husband and I are having disagreements I approached it head-on. I don’t like passive aggressive behavior? It is a waste of time. I used to behave that way. Dreadful. Thankfully, by the grace of God, as I’ve aged I’ve learned that kind of behavior only exasperates the situation, it never helps it. Lying, and saying you’re fine when you’re not will not resolve anything. And holding onto anger only poisons your soul. So why not get over yourself? Talk about it. Put yourself out there and find out what the problem is then together look for a solution, a compromise, because if you really love someone it’s worth the time! 

If you really love someone you will take the time to rid yourself of poisonous and negative behaviors that may be destroying your relationship, and if that person really loves you they will do the same.

Pretending

I wish I was pretending about the pain that I am in. I wish I didn’t feel as tho I’m trapped in my own skin. I wish I really was being ridiculous in jest. But I promise you this pain I’m in is really quite the pest. It tries to steal my joy and fill me up with doubts. I drain a lot of energy keeping the pain from seeping out. I can not run away from this. I live it every day…I’m going to have brain surgery. There is just no other way. Chiari malformation. 1-1,000 are the odds..this makes me strangely special, but please, hold your applause.

Crawls Beneath my Skin

This mask I wear…it’s falling off. Reality setting in. The fear…the anxiety…it crawls beneath my skin. 

I slap this smile on to convince ME I’m okay… I’ve got friends “by my side” but it sure doesn’t feel that way… Their fault? Or mine? Should I keep saying I’m fine?… To many decisions to make..

Holding it all under this mask for fear that I will break.

I’m surprised with me, my anxiety, would usually be in out of control..

Strangely I feel a sort of peace in my soul..

I wear this mask to hide my fear..but who am I hiding it from?

I like to tell myself I’m hiding it from my husband, mother, daughter, son..

I’m finding revelation and its hard for me to see…because quite possibly the person I’m wearing this mask for…is really me..

Against the Wall Devo by Our Daily Bread 💙☝

Against The Wall 

On April 25, 1915, soldiers of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps landed on the Gallipoli peninsula expecting a quick victory. But fierce resistance by the Turkish defenders resulted in an 8-month stalemate during which thousands on both sides were wounded or killed.

Many of the ANZAC troops who were evacuated to Egypt visited the YMCA camp outside Cairo where chaplain Oswald Chambers offered hospitality and hope to these men so broken and disillusioned by war. With great insight and compassion, Chambers told them, “No man is the same after an agony; he is either better or worse, and the agony of a man’s experience is nearly always the first thing that opens his mind to understand the need of redemption worked out by Jesus Christ. At the back of the wall of the world stands God with His arms outstretched, and every man driven there is driven into the arms of God. The cross of Jesus is the supreme evidence of the love of God.”

Paul asked: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” (ROMANS 8:35). His confident answer was that nothing can remove us from God’s love in Christ (8:38-39). When we’re up against the wall, God is there with open arms. —David McCasland

God’s love still stands when all else has fallen.